My Achievements, age 19


·  Set my best friend on fire while he was dressed as a sheep

·  Tried to start on a Celtic player

·  Stolen an anti-theft device

·  Smuggled illegal items between Hong Kong and China

·  Had a weapon confiscated by immigration authorities

·  Abducted and bound my former headmaster

·  Cleared a karaoke bar with a rendition of ‘Summer Lovin’ – before I started singing there were about 60 people in it, when I finished there were four of us

·  Wrenched a toilet out of the wall while vomiting (allegedly)

·  Spoken Spanish to a Cantonese-speaking security guard and wondered why the conversation was going nowhere

·  Hammered a nail through my thumb

·  Been the world’s drunkest assistant drug dealer

·  Bitten a dude till he bled for knocking my glasses off

·  Got an after-school detention for eating a ham and cheese sandwich

·  Been bitten till I bled for the purposes of an amusing photograph (by my then-girlfriend)

·  Climbed a Himalaya

·  Been in a drugs bust

·  Written an award-winning reggae song about furniture

·  Been threatened with suspension for putting a condom on my head

·  Got caught wanking by a chick

·  Gone psycho and tried to slice my stomach open with broken glass

·  Been punched by a stranger

·  Fallen forward off a banana boat onto the very fast-moving rope, resulting in my arm being yanked out of its socket and being yellow and black for weeks

·  Shat my pants in an airport

·  Made more enemies than friends

·  Got into a huge violent argument based upon a thieved cocktail sausage

·  Got a ‘Nam wound

·  Gone through a drive-thru McDonalds in a shopping trolley

·  For a dare, demanding ‘the dirtiest porn you got’ from a 24-hour garage. When told they had none, saying ‘uh, ok, a Toffee Crisp please’

·  Managed to get a scar from sliding down a waterslide while dry

·  Seen an old bloke getting off with three topless transsexuals in a Thailand ladyboy bar

·  Been slapped by a stripper

·  Lost one shoe but not the other

·  Messed up my back while attempting ‘the worm’ and had to miss PE

·  Entered a skateboarding competition and got zero points

·  Been deemed ‘the most arrogant and least mature boy’ that my stinking bitch Head of year had ever met

·  Got hit in the nads a whole bunch of times

·  Bitched and whined my way into what became an unforgettable and very loving (I think) relationship

·  Broken into the Moscow State Circus

·  Pissed in a phone box

·  Been to twenty-three countries on five continents

·  Received a letter from former President Bill Clinton

·  Kicked some Portugese ass

·  Been forcibly kissed by one of the people working in the aforementioned ladyboy bar, which was kinda gross

·  Puked in my sleep

·  Photographed myself in the nude to make Christmas cards

·  Seen two of my friends get their balls groped by ladyboys

·  Spent over an hour chasing a chick backwards with my ass out trying to get her to touch it

·  Kissed a bloke in order to try and bargain m way into getting some with a chick (it didn’t work, if Joe reads this, I’m sorry, if Anna reads this, you know you want me)

·  Pissed in a sink

·  Spent a whole day licking strangers

·  Seen lots of girls kissing each other – it was awesome

·  Got my hand stuck in a wall

·  Vomiting resulting in spontaneous six-person choreography

·  Swallowed some of my friend’s vomit

·  Pissed on a friend’s door, then got tied to a tree by said friends and pelted with water, forcing me to escape, leaving my trousers behind, and hide and watch them look for me for ages, only showing myself when they were going to call the police

·        Did a couple of exams